September Morn

Watching September approach this year, I was filled with a sense of... well, not dread, really. Wariness, and weariness, I suppose. While I've always considered fall my favorite season, and September is my birth month, it's been a more depressing month these past several years. You'd think Suicide Prevention Awareness Month would be a fun and cheerful time, but...

The age thing really doesn't bother or faze me. I still mostly feel like the 18-year old cool but awkward, respectful but punk kid I've been for a long time now. A bit less naïve and a bit more world-weary, even though I used to describe myself as the world's youngest curmudgeon; some grey in my hair, and a few more lines in my face, but I just can't think of myself as a 50-year old, even if that's what I am now. I wasn't upset by the thought of growing another year older, I was upset by the thought of growing another year older and still feeling lonely.

This year has turned out much different than we'd all anticipated. Well, this September turned out much different than I'd anticipated, in a good way. On New Year's Eve 2019, I got a fortune cookie with a slip of paper inside which read, "If you want it... take it." I'm not one to take fortunes or horoscopes seriously, but I did interpret this as a positive way to approach life, even if I didn't implement it as well or as often as I'd intended. As this month was beginning, however, I found myself confronted with an opportunity I really hadn't expected... and I wanted it, and I took it.

And now I'm happy again, truly happy (and not just for a few hours or a day or three) for the first time in years. Today's my birthday, and I've got a dinner date tonight. I wrote and recorded a new song in under three weeks, and it will be released shortly (yes, on Apple Music and Spotify and iHeartRadio and Pandora and so on). And so begins another chapter in the Andersen Silva autobiography.

Six Months

Six months ago, on 11-11, I released my double album, I'll Live. While it hasn't been selling like hotcakes (although, really, do hotcakes sell that well?), I've been surprised by some positive, and unsolicited, comments about the music on it, and the "Dangerous Babies" video. Seems some people are even listening to my tunes on Spotify. O brave new world, that has such people in't...

I appreciate the comments, including constructive criticism, and certainly I'd appreciate making some income from more copies being sold, but in the end I put the collection of songs out there because it was something I needed to do. Although I still enjoy Joy in the New, my first album, it was lovely to get a chance to touch some of those songs up a bit, re-record one completely, and then add new material I'd written and recorded since then.

42 tracks is perhaps a mite insane (I think maybe only Minutemen's Double Nickels on the Dime had more), but my thinking was that this may stand as my definitive album, so I wanted it to contain pretty much everything: the different genres I've attempted, electric and acoustic and electronic, love songs and political songs and silly songs, my highs and lows. While I left off a number of tracks from Joy that I felt were dismissible, and of course the gabberish "Troll Doll" will probably never see an 'official' release (unless I redo it without all the Metallica samples, and where's the fun in that?), what I put out on I'll Live gives me a warm, fuzzy, sometimes distorted feeling.

I'm still not really planning on working on another album anytime soon. I'll admit to feeling an itch to write and record some new political protest songs, but even if I do get around to that, I don't know that I'd do an album's worth. Then again, when I first tried my hand at poetry, and then started matching some of those words to music, I never would've thought I'd end up writing over 60 songs and recording most of those.

Oh, if you wanted to sample, or even purchase, any of my music... you can do it here: https://andersensilva.hearnow.com/

And you ask me how I'm doin'...

...And A New One Just Begun

Happy 2016, everyone! Hope you enjoyed your New Year's Eve, whether you stayed home and crashed before midnight or went out and didn't get to bed 'til after the sun had come up. I was closer to the latter, having caught They Might Be Giants playing two sets (and two encores) at the Music Hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn. This was my third time seeing them, and they're still so funny and full of energy and simply an amazing live experience. Pictures from the show, and from everything else I've seen and done in 2015, are of course in chronological order in the Gallery... of Death!

TMBG!

No resolutions for me, thanks... I'm driving. 2016 will be the year I finally get a second album done and released. If it turns out to be my last, I think I'll be OK, more than OK, with that. I'll continue to write and record songs as the fancy strikes, but in the future I'll probably just put out the occasional single or EP rather than being overwhelmed by the concept of an album. For now, though, I'll Live is moving along nicely and still earmarked for a springtime release.

I've gotten some feedback on one of the songs (from strangers... because my friends don't seem to listen, or at least to share their thoughts). It's somewhat humorous that the elements some people like are the same ones that others don't, but I get it; art is subjective, and music is art, and not everyone is going to enjoy the same things. My music is, well, my music. It's not intended to sound like Top 40, and so it's never going to make it on most (maybe any) radio stations. I'm influenced, I think, by the Beatles and David Bowie and Talking Heads and Nine Inch Nails and other musicians to varying degrees, but I don't sound like any of them, except possibly for this little bit here or that riff there. I'm no more interested in being a tribute act than I am in writing huge pop hits, and to me music is more than one sound.

So, more music, more running, more fun, more focus on the future, and less dwelling on the past. That's the plan for 2016. I wish you happiness, good health, and good fortune for the New Year... even if you don't wish it for me. Especially if you don't wish it for me. And hey, maybe 2016 will be the year some of you start interacting with me here and giving me some feedback. It could happen... Heh.

Consider Me Gone...ish

You will not see me much on Facebook / Twitter / Google+ anymore. Read on if you want to know why...

When I started creating accounts on various social networks back around 2006, I was thinking mostly in terms of helping to promote my music. Nine years later, my pictures and snarky comments generate some online interest, but gods forbid I post something about my music... While a few of you do seem to have read my last 'blog post, about the next album, no one had anything to say about it at all. Fine. I have a finite amount of energy, and I've decided it can be put to better use working on the album, and promoting the album and my music in general, than in trading in likes and favorites and pluses. While I appreciate the friends and followers, I need to focus on getting more fans, which most of the friends and followers don't seem to be. And frankly, social media is starting to drain me.

I was going to rant about the level of political "discourse" online (mostly insults and/or threats, because of course the people who don't agree with you have to be stupid, or evil, or both), and about how people are mangling the English language more and more in their tweets and status updates and posts (and even allegedly professional articles), and about how I feel like I've taken a half-step back toward depression just lately... but it's OK. I've said most of it before, you most likely don't want to hear it, and, in the words of Andersen Silva, "The unfortunate truth is that I'll live."

And in the words of Gordon Sumner, aka Sting, "After today, consider me gone." I'm not deactivating any of my accounts, and I'm not saying I'll never look at my Facebook Wall or personal Twitter timeline again. Say something to me directly on social media, and I'll probably respond. I won't be posting those pictures and snarky comments for a while, though. Well, the pictures always get added to the Gallery... of Death! so you can visit there to see 'em. But I think I need some more time away, for my tunes and my sanity. I have to prioritize, and the pictures of your cats and your guns and your meals, the posts about Christie and Obama and Trump and Bernie and Hillary and Paul, the ridiculous and obviously untrue "news" articles... in the words of Sweet Brown, "Ain't nobody got time for that."

My music means something to me. I'd like to think that it means something to someone else out there, too, maybe even some of the people who actually know me, but even if it doesn't, I have to get it out and at least try to get other people to listen, and tell me what they think. It's not about becoming famous, or making money, or earning the respect of any community. This is something I need to do for myself, and (as with all too many things these days) by myself. Like it or not, I'm an artist. Feedback, constructive criticism, encouragement, a dollar... all would be welcomed, but I'm doing this regardless. At the end of this month, I'm turning 45, and I'm determined to have the new album (probably going to be a double) released before I hit 46.

So, no, you won't see much of me on Plusbook or Twitgle or Faceter, other than posts about working on the album and playing guitar. You know where to find me if you really want to. I'm sure I'll be back eventually, but for now, after today... after today... consider me gone.

My Tunes

The itch to release new music has turned into a fire. After years of sporadically recording songs just to get them done, I realize I need to 'drop' a new album, for my own sake. Of course, I'd like it if you wanted to hear it, too.

Even before I finally finished and released Joy in the New in 2004, I had additional songs written, and several months later I'd begun recording again. The goal was to put out a second album, to be called Tougher Than Flannel, within two or three years. I lost momentum, and a little more of my sanity, however, and as the years passed, I still wrote the occasional song, and recorded as the muse dictated, but the idea of "the album" seemed distant and vague, and eventually I lost whatever commitment to it I might've had.

In late 2014/early 2015, after I recorded "Everything's Different Now" and made my first video, I started thinking in terms of completing an album again. Though the title Tougher Than Flannel still gets a grin out of me, I felt like the songs were generally going to be a bit more somber and dark than I'd originally been anticipating, and I decided I'd name the collection I Can't Possibly Give More Than I Can Give instead. Kind of a throwing up of hands in resignation and also a poke at those who exhort you to "give 110%!"

Lately, however, I've been rethinking the whole idea. I'm starting to feel this next release will be my last in "album" form. I will probably continue to record, but I think it would make more sense to put out the occasional EP with three to six songs on it than to agonize over larger sets of songs, especially when I don't have a fanbase clamoring for them.

With that in mind, I started considering the songs I've recorded thus far, both the new ones and the ones on Joy. There are some that I really enjoy and think are great, but others that frankly need either more work or discarding.

So... what I believe I'm going to do is take the best of the Joy songs and the newer material, re-record some bits where I feel it's warranted, finish another song or two, put more effort into mixing it all better (and actually try my hand at mastering, now that I've got software for that sort of thing)... and put it out as a new, defining album. Possibly a double album, if I feel there are enough good songs to justify it.

I have yet to sit down and cull the material into a list. (As you may have heard, I did some tinkering with my MacBook Pro's disk partitions the other night, and rendered it unbootable for a few days.) I'm going to get to that shortly, though. I've also changed my mind on a title again.

Before I'd completed Joy and settled on its title, I'd contemplated several options, one of which was Straight Outta Nutley (where I lived while some of the tracks were being recorded). I know the "straight outta" thing is simultaneously popular and reviled right now, but no, I'm not going to call it Straight Outta Lyndhurst. Go ahead, sigh in relief... I'm leaning heavily towards The Unfortunate Truth, a line from "I'll Live" (which will definitely be included). I also like Signifying Nothing, however (and award yourself 17 points if you get the reference). If I do end up making it a double album, I could conceivably use both in a double name... we'll see.

I was hoping to complete the album before the end of 2015, but I'm going to shoot for having it released by the first quarter of 2016; if it's ready before then, so much the better, but I'd rather not rush myself. I may set up a GoFundMe with a modest goal, $1000 or so, where every donation of $10 or more will get a copy of the album. Haven't really made a decision on that yet, but if I do it, it's going to be to help with the costs of getting CDs (and maybe posters or buttons or something... maybe even some vinyl?) made, not for pocket money.

That's my story. What say you? I'd love to hear what you think about me putting out a new album, my title ideas, any of my particular songs or my music in general... Please let me know, thanks!

Another Year Over...

...and a new one just begun.  2013 started out as one of the best years of my life, and ended up as one of the worst.  Still, what doesn't kill you only makes you hurt like hell stronger, right?  I suppose my expectations for 2014 have been lowered substantially, and maybe that's a good thing.

This holiday season has been a depressing one despite "Doctor Who" and birthday get-togethers and turducken (I didn't decorate at all, which I think is a first), and while I was sorely tempted to stay home and sulk on New Year's Eve, I opted to go see Gogol Bordello at Terminal 5 instead.  I tried not to witness an arrest on Secaucus Junction's track 2 platform while on my way to New York (probably drugs, but I don't know and didn't want to); I was largely unimpressed with the amount of beardage at the venue (why do today's kids feel the need to look like early 20th-century Midwestern farmers?); and I was rather unsympathetic to the teenager who asked me to buy a Budweiser for him, though at least he was gracious enough to accept my polite refusal.  And he didn't have a beard, though it was probably not for lack of trying.

The opening band, Man Man, were a lot better than I was expecting, and they certainly got the crowd going.  Gogol Bordello, however, were on fire.  They had the whole place dancing and jumping around, and they sounded incredible.  And I got twerked on.  Twice.  Well, OK, the first girl definitely knew what she was doing, even if alcohol may have played a part, and I couldn't back away as I was leaning against a column.  The two friends about twenty minutes later were probably just getting carried away with dancing and didn't know or care that they were grinding against someone, and it would've been rude of me to ask them to stop...

At least they were only dancing.  A few minutes after that, what I'd thought was a frenzied burst of dancing a few feet away turned out to be two girls fighting, and it took a few people to pull them apart.  The band and the crowd counted down the last few seconds 'til midnight, and then we were showered with confetti (which I'm still finding).

Happy New Year!

I left before the encore began, in hopes of not getting home too late... and saw two more angry girls on the train; one slapped the other one's boyfriend before storming away.  Ah, nothing like the holidays and alcohol to bring out the best in everyone.  Anyway, I was home before 2:30 AM, and would've been home at least twenty minutes sooner, but New Jersey Transit decided to hold the westbound Main Line train for every single train that was coming in from New York, on the off chance that someone might want it.  Thanks, NJT.

I'm not doing the "resolutions" thing.  There are goals I want to accomplish this year, and things I want to change about myself, but I don't think it's realistic to set them in stone on the first day of an arbitrary calendar, nor do I have a final list in my head.  NaNoWriMo was another bust for me last November, but I did start a novel... just like I did last year.  I want to write them both this year, or at least make some serious progress, so I can make a serious attempt this November.  I want to get more music done; I've been writing and playing, and I've got new ideas (in addition to old ones that haven't been fleshed out yet), but I need to record more.  I want to get back to organizing and uploading my collection of photos to the Gallery... of Death!  In June, I'm going to do the Spartan Race with my colleagues Jenn and Vaida (we're the Eh Team), but that means that I need to stay focused on running and eating better than I have been these past two months.  I'd like to run at least one 5K before then, too, just to make sure that I'm on the right track (so to speak); Jenn might accompany me as well.

I want to be happy again, but that's not really a goal in and of itself.  I need to take happy where I can find it, and hope that I find more and more.  As a Chinese cookie reminded me on New Year's Eve, "Every person is the architect of his or her own fortune."  Someone else may have taken away a reason for my happiness, but that doesn't mean that I can never be happy again.

"I don't think my time is quite yet complete,
     So I'll follow the rhythm, and speed up the beat."

Nein-nein

Yesterday morning, I walked to the bagel shop, only to hear Tegan and Sara's "Closer" on the radio.  It of course made me think of Laura, especially since we used to sing it to each other, but now "Goodbye, Goodbye" or "Now I'm All Messed Up" would've been more appropriate choices off that latest album.

Yes, it's another 'blog post about my relationship with Laura, though it may well be the last one.  On Saturday afternoon, I received an E-mail from her stating that she felt "we should break off contact."  She suggested that she'd figured out that she could never be happy with me, for reasons I can neither rail against nor reluctantly acknowledge, because she didn't really explain them in any detail.  Sadly, this means that Slime, too, is coming to an untimely end.  She doesn't want to do it anymore, and I can't draw, so...

I kissed her every morning before leaving for work, whether or not she was awake, even as our relationship was ending.  I wrote her an E-mail every morning on my way to work.  Whenever either of us asked the other, "Do you have your keys?" we had to keess; it became a ritual.  While we were together, I don't think a day went by without at least half a dozen "I love yous" being passed between us, vocally or via E-mail or text message or IM.  By her own admission, I'd treated her better than anyone ever had before; I certainly tried my damnedest to do so.  I even helped her move out, when I wanted so badly for her to stay, because it was what she wanted.

There are so many moments burned into my heart and my soul from our time together: the traveling I did to see her on Staten Island before she'd moved in; the way she surprised me with a claddagh ring for my birthday, probably the most romantic gift I've ever been given (although I've given up wearing it, since the magic it possessed seems to be gone); the two of us sobbing as we buried Priscilla the chinchilla, Meggy's sister, in the park on a desolate Saturday morning; the look of panic and fear on Laura's face when she found me blacked out at the bottom of the shower; listening to the ducks muttering on the grass alongside the water in the evening while we strolled past; putting an ice pack to her forehead to try to bring her fever down; sitting on the beach at Spring Lake at night, keeping each other warm and just basking in love.  I can't hear "Mahna Mahna" or the cooing of mourning doves, or see sunflowers, without thinking of her.  I introduced her to Aimee Mann, Regina Spektor, and "Arrested Development," and she introduced me to Tegan and Sara, Within Temptation, and "Homestar Runner."  We liked each other's friends and families very much, and we'd planned to have them attend our wedding less than two weeks from today.  We wanted to try to have a child together, and get our own house, not necessarily in New Jersey.  I was always supportive, of her running, her diet changes, her stated desire to go back to school, of her and her wants and needs.  I told her she was the prettiest girl I know, and she still is.  She made me happy, and I know she was happy, too, at some point.

Fairly early on in the relationship, we'd decided that Lifehouse's "Everything" was 'our' song ("You are the light to my soul / You are my purpose, you're everything").  She really became everything to me.  I've done and seen a lot of things in my almost 43 years, and certainly I've had many great experiences even when I was single, but I've come to realize that life is better when you have someone with whom to share it.  Now I've again got no one to cuddle, to exchange work stories with, to make feel special.  Worse, now I know what I'm missing.  As I told Laura two months ago or so, it only recently hit me how lonely I'd been before she came into my life.  Now it looks like I go back to that, and I really don't want to.

Sorry, guess I'm rambling a bit.  I'm sure the three of you who actually read this don't want to hear all this, but I suppose I needed to say it, even if no one will listen or have anything to say about it.  I'm trying hard not to get sucked into the downward spiral.  Anyway... a few of the dates mentioned in my last 'blog post are not going to go down as originally envisioned.  Instead of going to Rhonda's surprise birthday party last Saturday, I ended up at my own, three weeks early.  I needed cheering up that night, so I'm glad Yesika put that together.  Sunday was my nephew Shawn's birthday party, which was fun, too.  This Saturday's guitar/bass flea market has been postponed, and I've decided not to run the 5K on Sunday after all.  I think I'd still like to try one in the near future, but I just don't think my head's in the right place for it just now.  I'm obviously not going to see Laura on what would've been our wedding day now, either.

On the plus side, the free time that opened up this weekend may allow me to finish recording my newest song.  I finished writing "So Much Further" over Labor Day weekend, and recorded some bass and guitar parts then, too.  Yeah, the lyrics aren't terribly happy, but the music's actually a bit bouncy, and I think I'm going to like this one a lot when it's done.

As my memory rests,
     But never forgets what I lost,

Wake me up when September ends...

Slime the Comic!

Slime, the Web comic that Laura and I came up with and are working on together, is now live!  The first strip was published this morning, and a new one will be added every Thursday.  We've been having a lot of fun creating this thing, and we hope you have as much fun reading it.  You can see Slime (and add an RSS feed if you're into that, and hey, even like our Facebook Page and give us a +1 on Google!) at http://www.slimethecomic.com

I've also been inspired to compose a short bit of new music, "Slime Theme," which you can listen to on the home page by clicking on the musical notes at the upper right, or on my various music sites/pages.  It wasn't originally going to have that Brazilian samba thing going on, but... that's how it turned out.  Hope you like it!

How am I different?

I first saw Aimee Mann in that iconic "Voices Carry" music video by 'Til Tuesday back in 1985, and I bought the single, but didn't get anything else by the band at the time.  Several years later, I was at a flea market browsing through music when I came across Whatever, Aimee's debut solo album.  I hadn't heard anything from it, hadn't even known that 'Til Tuesday had broken up and that Aimee was a solo artist now, but based on how much I'd liked that first exposure to her music (and how she looked on the front and back artwork), I picked it up.


I've never looked back.  I own all seven CDs, plus the "Magnolia" and "I Am Sam" soundtracks and "The Imago Traveling Road Show," and the "Magnolia" and "Live at St. Ann's Warehouse" DVDs.  I've seen her perform four or five times (most recently, last Friday at the Forum Theatre in Metuchen) and got my copy of "@#%&*! Smilers" autographed at Barnes & Noble.  I had a girlfriend give me grief about a promotional picture of Aimee that I'd taped up on my wall (right, 'cos even pre-Michael Penn, she'd have run away with me...)  I even wrote a song, "That's Just What I Am," that is in part a response to her minor hit "That's Just What You Are."  (Subtle, right?)


I like a lot of different music.  A lot of different music.  Somehow, though, no matter what I'm listening to, I always come back to Aimee.  Music always makes me feel, or at least good music does, but her music makes me feel alive and human and flawed and OK nonetheless.  She's still my favorite singer/songwriter, and while it had been a few years since the last time I'd seen her play, I'm so glad I made it to the Metuchen show and had such a great seat (four rows back from the stage, and directly in front of Aimee!).  I love that she closed the show with such a downer, "It's Not," and acknowledged just how wrong that was.  Heh.


I have to start writing (and recording!) my own music again.  I'd sort of imposed a moratorium on songwriting a few years back, because I've already got several songs written ("I'll Live," "D.V.," "When Giant Giants Attack!" and others) that I haven't yet recorded, and I didn't want to end up looking at a backlog of twenty songs I needed to record... but I don't think that's the right approach anymore.  Perhaps writing a few new songs will prompt me to start recording them immediately, and then I can go back and get those older songs done, too.  In any case, the new acoustic/electric should make it easier for me to drag a guitar around without needing an amp, and so hopefully I'll be spending more time playing, and writing.


I've decided to bring the Kona to Costa Rica with me tomorrow (an interesting coincidence: the last McKesson 'VAR Achievement Club' trip like this I took was to... Kona, Hawaii).  I'm not sure how much time I'll have to play or to try writing, and of course it'd be nice not to have one more thing to lug along, but I'm also trying to make time to play every day, and I'd rather not have to wait until next Monday to get my hands on a guitar again.  So that's that.


The six-guitar rack I purchased at the same time as the K2 isn't quite as great.  Well, it's a great concept, but I think the rests should've extended further, so the thing would've been sturdier and more efficient.  Still, I do have my five guitars on it now (although I'll be pulling the Kona off shortly), and it does look cool...