42 and 43

I think I can safely say that this is the first birthday where I actually feel older than I did the day before.  Still, even though there's a hole in my heart that goes all the way to China, I've had a fun and relaxing week, eaten some great meals, seen some lovely sights, and caught up with a few old friends.

My vacation (which I began thinking of as my "honey-less-moon") started on Friday the 20th, and when I arrived at Budget to pick up my rental car, I discovered they didn't have any compact cars, despite the reservation I'd made (which brought to mind a scene from "Seinfeld," though I chose not to make my own scene).  I ended up with a shiny red Chevrolet Cruze instead, for an additional $5 a day, which was an acceptable resolution to me.

Some highlights from that long weekend: gazing out over New Jersey, New York, and Pennsylvania while enjoying the silence at High Point State Park; cruising eastbound along US Route 6, the Grand Army of the Republic Highway, toward the Palisades Interstate Parkway and the Tappan Zee Bridge; being told to leave Sleepy Hollow Cemetery because I was wandering the grounds after hours (though not before I got this picture):

The gravestone of "Legend of Sleepy Hollow" author Washington Irving

having a few drinks at O'Malley's Bar in Nyack (any fans of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' album Murder Ballads?); watching the Vixens En Garde and the Washing Well Women at the New York Renaissance Faire; taking in the view from Lovers Leap, CT; relaxing in the jacuzzi in my room at the Hotel Vienna in the Catskills Saturday night; doing 95 on 95; visiting New London, Groton, and Mystic in Connecticut; seeing the grave of another author, one Howard Phillips Lovecraft, in Providence, Rhode Island; consuming more beers at Trinity Brewhouse; devouring chocolate French toast at Zaftigs on Monday morning; and revisiting Walden Pond.

Some lowlights from the weekend: seeing the Kissing Bridge at the Renaissance Faire and ruminating over how Laura and I took pictures on it the past two years; seeing a sad look cross a little green faery's face at the Faire when she saw the BulletHole Heart T-shirt I was wearing (it only got sadder when I acknowledged that "there's a hole in my heart");

The shirt in question

discovering that I couldn't walk over the Lovers Leap Bridge because of a missing decking plate; and running into traffic in Brookline, MA (due to a gas main break) on my way to breakfast and Clifton, NJ (due to a car fire) on my way home.

Before hitting that last pocket of traffic, though, I stopped at Best Buy to get myself an early birthday present: the Google Nexus 7, which I have decided to call "Nixie" in honor of geek girl Nixie Pixel.  I've already added several apps and done some tweaking, and I'm liking the mini-tablet very much.  It was nice to see the birthday greetings from Google on it this morning:

And yes, I'm a fan of all things Apple, but I decided to go with the Nexus rather than the iPad Mini because a) it's cheaper, and b) I've wanted to play around with Android for a while now.  Jelly Bean 4.3 seems pretty cool so far.  While I've always been reluctant to read books in any format other than, well, books, I've started re-reading Thoreau's Walden (since I was just there) on the Nexus 7, and thus far I'm pretty comfortable with the format.

I headed back to Tarrytown on Tuesday in the company of one of my former Talented And Gifted Students classmates, Sue, to meet with another, Joycelynn, and the three of us had a wonderful dinner (and two pitchers of sangria) at Bistro 12, and did some thinking about the reunion we want to plan for the spring.  On Friday, another longtime friend, Dawn, and I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, rollerbladed from one end of Central Park to the other, and downed some guacamole and margaritas at Rosa Mexicano.  If you want to see more pictures from all these travels, they're posted here, so enjoy!

I saw my parents yesterday, watched an amazing film last night, "The Legend of 1900," on the recommendation of a friend... and here we are.  It's my 43rd birthday.  I finished recording "So Much Further" this past week, too, and uploaded the song today; please give it a listen here, and I'd love to hear what you think, and if you wanted to share it with friends, so much the better.  C'mon, it's a free birthday gift to me.  ;-)  I've gone back to finishing the lyrics to "They Might Be Roses," and I plan to finish writing another song called "42" shortly, so there should be at least another recording or two before the end of this year, as long as I can stay focu-

Nein-nein

Yesterday morning, I walked to the bagel shop, only to hear Tegan and Sara's "Closer" on the radio.  It of course made me think of Laura, especially since we used to sing it to each other, but now "Goodbye, Goodbye" or "Now I'm All Messed Up" would've been more appropriate choices off that latest album.

Yes, it's another 'blog post about my relationship with Laura, though it may well be the last one.  On Saturday afternoon, I received an E-mail from her stating that she felt "we should break off contact."  She suggested that she'd figured out that she could never be happy with me, for reasons I can neither rail against nor reluctantly acknowledge, because she didn't really explain them in any detail.  Sadly, this means that Slime, too, is coming to an untimely end.  She doesn't want to do it anymore, and I can't draw, so...

I kissed her every morning before leaving for work, whether or not she was awake, even as our relationship was ending.  I wrote her an E-mail every morning on my way to work.  Whenever either of us asked the other, "Do you have your keys?" we had to keess; it became a ritual.  While we were together, I don't think a day went by without at least half a dozen "I love yous" being passed between us, vocally or via E-mail or text message or IM.  By her own admission, I'd treated her better than anyone ever had before; I certainly tried my damnedest to do so.  I even helped her move out, when I wanted so badly for her to stay, because it was what she wanted.

There are so many moments burned into my heart and my soul from our time together: the traveling I did to see her on Staten Island before she'd moved in; the way she surprised me with a claddagh ring for my birthday, probably the most romantic gift I've ever been given (although I've given up wearing it, since the magic it possessed seems to be gone); the two of us sobbing as we buried Priscilla the chinchilla, Meggy's sister, in the park on a desolate Saturday morning; the look of panic and fear on Laura's face when she found me blacked out at the bottom of the shower; listening to the ducks muttering on the grass alongside the water in the evening while we strolled past; putting an ice pack to her forehead to try to bring her fever down; sitting on the beach at Spring Lake at night, keeping each other warm and just basking in love.  I can't hear "Mahna Mahna" or the cooing of mourning doves, or see sunflowers, without thinking of her.  I introduced her to Aimee Mann, Regina Spektor, and "Arrested Development," and she introduced me to Tegan and Sara, Within Temptation, and "Homestar Runner."  We liked each other's friends and families very much, and we'd planned to have them attend our wedding less than two weeks from today.  We wanted to try to have a child together, and get our own house, not necessarily in New Jersey.  I was always supportive, of her running, her diet changes, her stated desire to go back to school, of her and her wants and needs.  I told her she was the prettiest girl I know, and she still is.  She made me happy, and I know she was happy, too, at some point.

Fairly early on in the relationship, we'd decided that Lifehouse's "Everything" was 'our' song ("You are the light to my soul / You are my purpose, you're everything").  She really became everything to me.  I've done and seen a lot of things in my almost 43 years, and certainly I've had many great experiences even when I was single, but I've come to realize that life is better when you have someone with whom to share it.  Now I've again got no one to cuddle, to exchange work stories with, to make feel special.  Worse, now I know what I'm missing.  As I told Laura two months ago or so, it only recently hit me how lonely I'd been before she came into my life.  Now it looks like I go back to that, and I really don't want to.

Sorry, guess I'm rambling a bit.  I'm sure the three of you who actually read this don't want to hear all this, but I suppose I needed to say it, even if no one will listen or have anything to say about it.  I'm trying hard not to get sucked into the downward spiral.  Anyway... a few of the dates mentioned in my last 'blog post are not going to go down as originally envisioned.  Instead of going to Rhonda's surprise birthday party last Saturday, I ended up at my own, three weeks early.  I needed cheering up that night, so I'm glad Yesika put that together.  Sunday was my nephew Shawn's birthday party, which was fun, too.  This Saturday's guitar/bass flea market has been postponed, and I've decided not to run the 5K on Sunday after all.  I think I'd still like to try one in the near future, but I just don't think my head's in the right place for it just now.  I'm obviously not going to see Laura on what would've been our wedding day now, either.

On the plus side, the free time that opened up this weekend may allow me to finish recording my newest song.  I finished writing "So Much Further" over Labor Day weekend, and recorded some bass and guitar parts then, too.  Yeah, the lyrics aren't terribly happy, but the music's actually a bit bouncy, and I think I'm going to like this one a lot when it's done.

As my memory rests,
     But never forgets what I lost,

Wake me up when September ends...