Nein-nein

Yesterday morning, I walked to the bagel shop, only to hear Tegan and Sara's "Closer" on the radio.  It of course made me think of Laura, especially since we used to sing it to each other, but now "Goodbye, Goodbye" or "Now I'm All Messed Up" would've been more appropriate choices off that latest album.

Yes, it's another 'blog post about my relationship with Laura, though it may well be the last one.  On Saturday afternoon, I received an E-mail from her stating that she felt "we should break off contact."  She suggested that she'd figured out that she could never be happy with me, for reasons I can neither rail against nor reluctantly acknowledge, because she didn't really explain them in any detail.  Sadly, this means that Slime, too, is coming to an untimely end.  She doesn't want to do it anymore, and I can't draw, so...

I kissed her every morning before leaving for work, whether or not she was awake, even as our relationship was ending.  I wrote her an E-mail every morning on my way to work.  Whenever either of us asked the other, "Do you have your keys?" we had to keess; it became a ritual.  While we were together, I don't think a day went by without at least half a dozen "I love yous" being passed between us, vocally or via E-mail or text message or IM.  By her own admission, I'd treated her better than anyone ever had before; I certainly tried my damnedest to do so.  I even helped her move out, when I wanted so badly for her to stay, because it was what she wanted.

There are so many moments burned into my heart and my soul from our time together: the traveling I did to see her on Staten Island before she'd moved in; the way she surprised me with a claddagh ring for my birthday, probably the most romantic gift I've ever been given (although I've given up wearing it, since the magic it possessed seems to be gone); the two of us sobbing as we buried Priscilla the chinchilla, Meggy's sister, in the park on a desolate Saturday morning; the look of panic and fear on Laura's face when she found me blacked out at the bottom of the shower; listening to the ducks muttering on the grass alongside the water in the evening while we strolled past; putting an ice pack to her forehead to try to bring her fever down; sitting on the beach at Spring Lake at night, keeping each other warm and just basking in love.  I can't hear "Mahna Mahna" or the cooing of mourning doves, or see sunflowers, without thinking of her.  I introduced her to Aimee Mann, Regina Spektor, and "Arrested Development," and she introduced me to Tegan and Sara, Within Temptation, and "Homestar Runner."  We liked each other's friends and families very much, and we'd planned to have them attend our wedding less than two weeks from today.  We wanted to try to have a child together, and get our own house, not necessarily in New Jersey.  I was always supportive, of her running, her diet changes, her stated desire to go back to school, of her and her wants and needs.  I told her she was the prettiest girl I know, and she still is.  She made me happy, and I know she was happy, too, at some point.

Fairly early on in the relationship, we'd decided that Lifehouse's "Everything" was 'our' song ("You are the light to my soul / You are my purpose, you're everything").  She really became everything to me.  I've done and seen a lot of things in my almost 43 years, and certainly I've had many great experiences even when I was single, but I've come to realize that life is better when you have someone with whom to share it.  Now I've again got no one to cuddle, to exchange work stories with, to make feel special.  Worse, now I know what I'm missing.  As I told Laura two months ago or so, it only recently hit me how lonely I'd been before she came into my life.  Now it looks like I go back to that, and I really don't want to.

Sorry, guess I'm rambling a bit.  I'm sure the three of you who actually read this don't want to hear all this, but I suppose I needed to say it, even if no one will listen or have anything to say about it.  I'm trying hard not to get sucked into the downward spiral.  Anyway... a few of the dates mentioned in my last 'blog post are not going to go down as originally envisioned.  Instead of going to Rhonda's surprise birthday party last Saturday, I ended up at my own, three weeks early.  I needed cheering up that night, so I'm glad Yesika put that together.  Sunday was my nephew Shawn's birthday party, which was fun, too.  This Saturday's guitar/bass flea market has been postponed, and I've decided not to run the 5K on Sunday after all.  I think I'd still like to try one in the near future, but I just don't think my head's in the right place for it just now.  I'm obviously not going to see Laura on what would've been our wedding day now, either.

On the plus side, the free time that opened up this weekend may allow me to finish recording my newest song.  I finished writing "So Much Further" over Labor Day weekend, and recorded some bass and guitar parts then, too.  Yeah, the lyrics aren't terribly happy, but the music's actually a bit bouncy, and I think I'm going to like this one a lot when it's done.

As my memory rests,
     But never forgets what I lost,

Wake me up when September ends...

8:09 10-11-12

Fancy meeting you here...  Well, I've fallen behind a bit with the whole 'blogging thing, so I decided today would be a good day for a new post.

Less than two weeks ago, I turned 42 years old, and Laura gave me a silver guitar pick, inscribed with a line from John Lennon's "Imagine," as a pendant for the chain she'd given me earlier in the month for our one-year anniversary together.  We figured we'd mark this auspicious occasion (my birthday, not our anniversary) with a small and vaguely "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"-themed party.  (For those who are woefully unfamiliar with "HHGttG," 42 is determined by a supercomputer to be the answer to the "ultimate question" of "life, the universe, and everything.")  We ended up with 22 guests, less than my 40th but a few more than we'd originally planned on; still, a fun time was had by all, and when my peers had all left, I did two shots with Laura's twenty-something co-workers before they, too, took off.  I preferred the taste of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters I'd whipped up, but hey... I'm not old yet.  ;-)

Last weekend, we opted to celebrate Oktoberfest! We took the train to Hoboken early Saturday evening and walked to the Pilsener Haus Biergarten, where Viktoriya ably waited upon us and delivered two Maßes of beer, delicious beer:

That is a lot of beer

After we downed all that beer, as well as some pretzel dumplings to go with our wienerschnitzel and goulash (and Spätzle!), we took our leave and went giggling down the quiet streets of Hoboken toward Ben & Jerry's, where Laura had her dessert, and the Old German Bakery, where I had mine.  There was also a brief romp through a Halloween costume store...

My silly, silly girlfriend...

We've got three concerts coming up near the end of October: Regina Spektor at the Beacon Theatre, the Indigo Girls at the Wellmont Theatre in Montclair (we're going with their biggest fan, my friend Dawn), and Aimee Mann at Town Hall.  Three great acts in four days!  Aimee's video for "Charmer" is a lot of fun, too, and the one for "Labrador" looks awfully familiar...  After that, there's Halloween, and we're hoping to attend the Village Parade, which Laura's never seen, in costume.  November will see us going on a four-day trip to visit her dad and sister.  First time flying together, though we've been quite content and comfortable on four-hour road trips with each other...

I also intend to take part in NaNoWriMo next month.  I first heard about National Novel Writing Month last year and briefly entertained the idea, but I just wasn't organized enough to pull it off.  Can't say I'll definitely be successful this November, but I'm going to give it a determined effort; I've written short stories and poems in addition to essays and songs, so I think I can tackle a 50,000-word novel.  Right?  Hey, that's only 1,666 words a day, and this 'blog post has almost 700 already...  OK, so I'm feeling a little daunted now.

I'm in the process of revamping my Web site(s), too.  The UI should look nicer across different resolutions and orientations (browsers aren't such a consideration these days), and the Gallery... of Death! will finally be updated with all of 2012's pics.  Not sure when I'll be putting the new site up, though; I'd like to have it done before the end of October, but I've got music to work on, too.  I've got most of the music and some of the lyrics to a new song written, I just haven't had much time to finish, what with Slime and the party and work and all...

Two members of Pussy Riot are going to have plenty of time, two years in a penal colony (there's a joke in there somewhere...), in fact.  The third and oldest (at 30) convicted "hooligan," Yekaterina Samutsevich was released yesterday with a suspended sentence, because she'd been ejected from the cathedral by guards before she'd had a chance to get her guitar and join the "punk prayer."  Let's hope common sense prevails and Maria and Nadezhda are released soon, too.  Free speech and political protest are scarce commodities in Putin's Russia this Red October...