Miss You, Dad / Saudades de Pai

My father would have been 75 today. (And what would have been his 51st wedding anniversary was two weeks ago, and he and my mom first came to the US 49 years ago last month.) While he was already in the final stages of his fight against lymphoma, which had metastasized, by the time my parents traveled to Brazil at the end of last year, catching pneumonia there proved to be too much for his weakened immune system to handle. He fought it, but in the end, he lost the battle in early February.

Meu pai teria 75 anos hoje. (E o que teria sido seu 51º aniversário de casamento foi há duas semanas, e ele e minha mãe vieram pela primeira vez aos EUA há 49 anos no mês passado.) Embora ele já estivesse nos estágios finais de sua luta contra o linfoma, que havia metastizado, quando meus pais viajaram para o Brasil no final do ano passado, contrair pneumonia provou ser demais para o enfraquecimento do sistema imunológico. Ele lutou, mas no final, ele perdeu a batalha no início de fevereiro.

I am glad he got to Brazil one last time, and got to see some family and friends, and be entombed there with his parents, my grandparents. I am sorry I'll never get to have another beer with him, discuss politics (American, Brazilian, and other) with him, enjoy a hot summer day with him, try to take a picture of him (the man did not like to be photographed). But I'm happy for the time we did have together, and the things he taught me, and the things I taught him.

É bom que ele foi ao Brasil uma última vez, e tenha visto a família e os amigos, e seja sepultado lá com seus pais, meus avós. Eu lamento que eu nunca mais vou ter outra cerveja com ele, discutir política (americana, brasileira e outras) com ele, curtir um dia quente de verão com ele, tentar tirar uma foto dele (o homem não gostou de ser fotografado). Mas estou feliz pelo tempo que tivemos juntos, pelas coisas que ele me ensinou e pelas coisas que ensinei a ele.

I've started working on a few musical ideas which I think are going to gel into a New Age-y kind of song, the sort my dad loved. It's a little out of my comfort zone, but I think it would make a fitting tribute, and I'm looking forward to getting it all worked out.

Eu comecei a trabalhar em algumas idéias musicais que eu acho que vão se transformar em um tipo de música "New Age," o tipo que meu pai amava. É um pouco fora da minha "zona de conforto," mas acho que seria um tributo adequado, e estou ansioso para fazer tudo funcionar.

The Divorce Is Final

Laura Liston and I never even actually got married... but she came over on Saturday (Sweetest Day, coincidentally) to pick up the last of her stuff and haul it away back to Pennsylvania.  I'd packed most of it up carefully ahead of time, and I helped her and her two roommates carry everything out to the car; she did thank me for making myself available (though not for the work I did), then just got in the car and drove off without so much as a goodbye or even a little wave.  :::sigh:::  The closest she got to the old Laura was when she found and picked up Preeti, but it was a fleeting moment.

So, yes, despite how much I loved her, despite all the sweet things we did for and said to each other, despite our engagement (and the ring, which she gave me back, even though I'd told her to keep it), despite her having elicited a promise from me that I wouldn't do this to her, Laura has flounced out of my life.  Presumably forever.  Tonight would've marked one month of marriage, but instead it feels like I've been through a divorce, and while I'm glad to have custody of the "kids" (furry though they are), I still can't make much sense of what's happened.  I knew, getting into this relationship, that she had some emotional baggage, but then who among us has not?  I had some myself, though I like to think that it was only a carry-on at that point.  I seem to have underestimated how heavy her baggage was, however, and as a result, I've found myself with quite a lot more to carry around now.  Please bear with me as I adjust to the weight, and build the Wall back up...

The kids still love me, at least.

I really like the Google Nexus 7 I gifted myself for my birthday.  :-D  The fact that I can tether it wirelessly to the iPhone (when there isn't open WiFi around) definitely helps, though I've got some books and some music on it that don't require Internet access.  It came in handy for showing my dad my "honey-less-moon" pictures while he was in the hospital, too.  He spent two weeks in a HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital after that, and is home now, but he's still not doing that well.  We've heard talk about fibromyalgia, or possibly polymyalgia, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), and anemia, but no one has really helped him with the pain, or the weight loss, or a definitive explanation and treatment plan.  It's been really frustrating, for all of us.

Hopefully, I can channel some of my depression and anger and frustration and loss into art.  In addition to working on a few new songs (lyrically, at least, for the moment, although the music is coming, too), I've decided to try NaNoWriMo again this year, in spite of the fact that I failed miserably at writing much of "They Might Be Roses," my intended novel last November.  I still intend to write that one eventually, though it'll be bittersweet now; but this year, I'm thinking that the novel's going to be titled "The Divorce Is Final."  It's not going to be about a literal divorce; it will be flavored (seasoned?) with some of my recent sorrows, but it's not going to be the story of Andy and Laura, either.  If you're interested in what it is going to be, well... stick around.

7 + 4 = 11

Happy Independence Day!  I didn't do too much of anything today, and it felt rather good.  I even started the day off by sleeping late, and since I didn't get in 'til around 3 AM from the party Jon and Karin threw yesterday, I felt mostly justified.

It's been a busy several weeks.  I've attended a music festival with Jenn and Rhonda, done a bit of catsitting for Barbara, gone to Sally and Matt's party (where Matt learned enough of "That's Just What I Am" to accompany me on guitar - thanks!), filmed some scenes for Rick Ford's latest venture, "Hassel Unbound" (would you believe I have an entry at IMDB?), played some of my songs in Duane Park for Make Music New York 2011, with Barbara as my roadie, visited New York's Central Park and Greenwich Village with Laura before going back to the park the next day for rollerblading with Dawn (followed by Rosa Mexicano's outstanding guacamole and pomegranate margaritas), had Peruvian ceviche with Yesika's family and Rhonda, attended a managers' meeting at Shadow Lake in Franklin Lakes which eventually turned into a company-wide barbecue/party, and visited Jon and the very-pregnant Karin for the above-mentioned party yesterday.  And of course I had that job thing going on the whole time, too.

I've also visited my parents more often than usual during the past five weeks, understandable under the circumstances.  After my dad finally agreed to see a doctor, he was hospitalized for nearly a week with renal failure and anemia (as well as high calcium and blood pressure readings).  Those symptoms have been addressed, but the cause was eventually determined to be Waldenström's macroglobulinemia, a rare form of cancer in the white blood cells known as lymphocytes.  This, too, is being addressed, with chemotherapy, and while the prognosis is good and my dad is in better spirits than he was a month ago, it's still been stressful on him and the rest of us, and there are several chemo sessions ahead.  He's already losing his hair, and as he and I have both managed to hang on to our full heads of hair with minimal greying, I can relate to the trauma; still, he's mostly holding up pretty well, although of course he has better days (when he can eat and sleep) and worse ones.

With all that's been going on, I've been pretty good about playing guitar every day.  I'm determined not to lose these calluses again!  In addition to performing at MMNY, I dragged my guitar along to Sally and Matt's party (because they wanted people to bring instruments), to Microwize's barbecue last Friday (because my colleague and fellow southpaw guitarist Nicole was bringing hers and asked me to bring mine, too), and to Jon and Karin's party yesterday (because Jon figured he and I could jam a bit if people left early).  I'm still learning to play, and sing, "Burning in the Sun," but I'll get it soon enough.  I'm also planning to write another new song or two in the very near future.

Pam is coming back to see me next month, and one of the events we have planned is a New York outing with my parents to see the new Cirque du Soleil show "Zarkana" and then have dinner at the Hallo Berlin beer hall.  We're all looking forward to it!  A trip to the Jersey shore, a performance of Zach Braff's off-Broadway play "All New People," and dinner at the amazing Cafe Matisse are also on tap for Pam's visit.  :-)

So, yes, there's been a lot going on, and this month will see a get-together or two with some old classmates, more romping around in NYC, and possibly a venture shoreward... and who knows what else?  Can you blame me for parking it on the couch for a few hours this evening to watch "Hearts in Atlantis" and "Flatliners?"  Well, it's back to work tomorrow, and it's just about midnight now, so I should probably park it in bed.  Good night, all...

Dad

This was originally intended to be a concerned open letter to my dad, an attempt to convince him to see a doctor after a few weeks of feeling poorly and suffering from weight loss, lack of hunger, weakness, and pain.  (Disclosure: I'm not noted for visiting doctors' offices, either.  In fact, the last time I was in a doctor's office in something other than a professional capacity, George Bush was in office.  No, not Dubya; George H. W. Bush, back in 1991.  But I'd seek medical attention if I felt that bad for that long.)  I saw him and my mom for his 67th birthday this past Sunday, and while he didn't look bad, he certainly didn't look as healthy or strong or vivacious as I'm used to him being.


Then, this morning, I determined that this post would have a more relieved tone, when my dad E-mailed me to tell me that he and my mom had found a doctor yesterday, and they'd run some tests on him and gave him some medication, and there were more tests scheduled... and more importantly, he was feeling better than he had over the past few days.


I was therefore shaken to the core when, just a few hours later, my sister E-mailed me with the news that my dad was going to be hospitalized, and that he was suffering from anemia and possible kidney failure.  I did speak with my mom and my dad early this evening, as she was getting ready to leave the hospital, and they both sounded OK, but I'm worried.  I suppose it's a little too soon for that, and I should wait until we have some more information, hopefully tomorrow, before attempting to make some sense of all this...


I moved out of my parents' house when I was 21 (just a few months after that last doctor's visit, coincidentally), not in a fit of rage or rebellion but because I just felt it was time to live my life my way.  I've never looked back, but I didn't need to; they were never behind me, but instead always at my sides.  My mom and dad have always done everything they could, and then some, for their children, and I honor and respect and appreciate and love them for it.  Maybe it's selfish and irrational, but I want them to be around for another twenty or thirty years.  I hope they are.  We still have more to share.