Pensamente

What a nasty Groundhog Day it's been here in the Northeast, but then it is winter. The winter of my discontent... or is that "The Discontent of My Winter?"

January was harder than even I had expected. My sweet tortie, the pretty kitty Preeti, succumbed to illness early in the month, and then my Uncle Danny passed away early on the 22nd. Death and winter and discontent aside, however, I'm feeling a little more stable lately, even if I have had dreams on three consecutive nights involving two ex-girlfriends. Odd dreams, neither happy nor sad, really. Some would no doubt read plenty into them; I think maybe I've just been dredging up memories by spending a lot of time going through so many old photos and updating the Gallery... of Death! It's slow-going, not least because of the nostalgia. So far, I've got everything as far back as 2003 posted and captioned, and I'm working on 2002 now.

Staying away (mostly) from social media has been good for me, I think. It's given me more time and more focus. Clearly, you lot don't miss me, and that's fine. I've run at least a mile every day in January, and last night I beat my best time running five kilometers on the treadmill (27m47s, which is no medal winner but is a sign of improvement). I've picked up the guitar again, and I'm determined to finish recording my second album this year. While I'd long intended to call it Tougher Than Flannel, and even worked that phrase into the lyrics of "Drabbard," I've recently decided to go with I Can't Possibly Give More Than I Can Give instead. It's partly a rebuke to those who insist that we should "give 110%," but mostly an acknowledgment that I've felt emotionally spent for longer than I'd care to acknowledge.

I am planning on getting together with some friends (and hopefully some family) this spring, in a warmer place than New Jersey. Definitely looking forward to that. I'm also excited about seeing Sleater-Kinney later this month. The new album, No Cities To Love, is pretty damned great, and it'll be awesome to hear "Bury Our Friends" live, as well as the older stuff I've loved since getting into the band in 2003.

There's more I could say, about Charlie Hebdo and the "Islamic" "State" and Ukraine and 'Net neutrality and Israel and Palestine and... but you're probably not really listening anyway, are you? And that's fine, too. Most likely, you go your way, and I'll go mine.

The Discontent of My Winter

First things first: I've got new songs, and my first-ever music video! No, I don't expect "Everything's Different Now" could ever win an award (or rotation on the old MTV, the one that used to actually play videos), but I'm pretty pleased with it nonetheless and I had fun making it.

I wrote and recorded "Everything's Different Now" last month, and thought about trying to make a video for it... and then I did it, with a budget of about twenty bucks. Heh. I also realized after the fact that another song I'd written, "The Discontent of My Winter," has the same chord structure, so I recorded that one, too. When I get them on an album together, I'm going to have them as a medley, the slow, moody song into the faster, angsty one. 'Til then, you can listen to them in the ReverbNation widget to the right, or from the sidebar on AndersenSilva.com... or several other places. I'd really appreciate you checking out and sharing the video and the songs. :-)

Clearly, I will not be putting out Tougher Than Flannel (or any other album) before 2014 comes to a close, but I think I'll have enough material recorded over the next several months to release something. It might not actually have that title, but I'm itching to get a new album done. We'll see. I've also been working with my Greta's Unmentionables cohorts, and we're pretty happy with the way "The Bite" is turning out. Gotta start writing a new song...

Andy, Anthony, Mike, and Jon: don't mention it

The writing thing hasn't been as productive as the music thing, though. I had high hopes for NaNoWriMo this year, and the 7,000+ words I did manage to put down are more than the previous two years' attempts put together, but it was nowhere near enough. I like what I have written of Forged in Fire, and I would like to spend more time making this novel happen, but I'm not going to make any commitments just yet.

Depression is trying to pull me under again lately, though it's been mostly unsuccessful ("The Discontent of My Winter" notwithstanding). My lovely tortoiseshell cat, Preeti, went through a spell for several days where she just wasn't eating, and it really rattled me, especially after I lost Meggy, the chinchilla, back in February. I bundled Preeti up and took her to the vet, but Dr. Sass (I just have to like any woman called Dr. Sass) couldn't find any reason for it. An antibiotic and a steroid and two days later, though, Preeti seemed to decide that food was again a good thing. She's doing much better, but I'm still feeling a little overprotective.

A few Fridays ago, I was at Mexicali Live enjoying some shrimp and hard cider and good music, and something (or some combination of things, or nothing at all, I don't really know) suddenly turned my mood dark. I'd just seen Xenia Sky perform and gone up briefly to the merch table to say hi, but back at my seat, I inexplicably felt so alone, even with dozens of people in the space and half a dozen within a ten-foot radius.

Just as suddenly, I was cheered up again a little while later by Xenia herself coming over to me and chatting. Sure, she's a lovely young woman and a talented singer/songwriter to boot, but it was the human connection that touched me and made me feel, well, human again. It was nice to talk music with a fellow musician who shares some of my varied musical tastes, too, and my opinions on people who talk over live music (pro tip: don't bother going to a venue with live music if you're planning on having loud, lengthy conversations with others).

I even got a selfie with my fellow singer/songwriter

After Anna Nalick's headlining set, Xenia and I talked a bit more (both greatly impressed with Anna's voice) and hugged before I left. Never underestimate how much quiet, warm joy a simple hug can impart. The drive home took me through Teaneck and Ridgefield Park and North Arlington, towns with various nostalgic pulls on my soul, but I was doing OK when I got home.

I've also seen Paolo Nutini, Lydia Loveless, Amaranthe, Within Temptation, Tessa Makes Love, Rivky, Goli, and Bob Dylan since my last post, and been to talks featuring John Cleese and John Hodgman (about the former's new memoir) and Nadya and Masha of Pussy Riot (about governments stifling dissent and activism; oh, and yes, I included a few seconds of video of the girls laughing in the "Everything's Different Now" video). I'm hoping to see Tania Stavreva perform this week, and Xenia again later this month; I've got tickets to see Sleater-Kinney at Terminal 5 in February (two nights in a row!) and to see three-quarters of Serious Pilgrim reunite at Rockwood Music Hall in March (two shows in one night!). So, yeah, I'm still keepin' busy. If I'm going to be lonely, might as well be lonely around other people...

Thankful

I'm thankful for my family, and the fact that my parents are still alive and together.

I'm thankful for my friends, who have gotten me through some tough and some tremendous times.

I'm thankful for my cheeky chinchilla, Meguilla, and my terrific tortie cat, Preeti, and the love, however furry, they give me.

I'm thankful for my health.  It's all too easy to take one's health for granted, but more and more I note how lucky I've been to avoid major medical issues.  Thus far.

I'm thankful for the comfortably-sized roof over my head, and the job that both allows me to afford it (and food, and heat) and provides me with challenges and opportunities.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to teach, and to learn from, my fellow humans.

I'm thankful for my artistic abilities and the outlet they provide me to vent some emotional steam, and for people who read my writing and listen to my music, like "Christmas Lonely" (OK, one little shameless plug... ;)

I'm not exactly happy these days, though I try to find a little happy here and there when I can.  I'm thankful for what I have had, and for what I have now.  I know that I could (and did) have more... but I also know that I could have so much less.

Happy Thanksgiving... and even if you're not an American, take a moment to appreciate what you've got.  As the song says, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

Runnin', Writin', and Rockin'

NaNoWriMo has me in its clutches, but I intend to run and to play guitar every day this month (at least) in addition to the writing.  OK, I procrastinated Friday and Saturday, but I did manage to do all three today, and while I haven't produced as much text as I'd like just yet, I have started, and that puts me far ahead of where I was in the game last year.  While I've not put too much planning into "The Divorce Is Final," I'm happy with the direction in which it's currently going, and I do have some general ideas and will no doubt develop more as I get deeper into it.  I do want it to feel at least as much like fun as it does like work...

Isn't it?

Preeti dozed on the couch behind me this afternoon as Mozart streamed from the Apple TV and I began putting words to paper the cloud.  (I'm sure the end of Daylight Saving Time means absolutely nothing to a creature who dozes most of her day away anyway.)  Tuesday will mark one year since we brought her home to the apartment, and while our little family is littler than it was then, I think my female feline is pretty happy overall.  Granted, she'd prefer to play fetch with her mousey for at least an hour a day longer than I consent to, but we do play.  Meguilla the chinchilla gets her playtime, too.  And her raisins.  Mustn't forget the raisins.

While I've mostly played either the Danelectro or the Kona acoustic/electric over the past two years, lately I've been eschewing both left-handed guitars for my old Epiphone knockoff of a right-handed Strat (strung and played "upside-down," of course).  I do love the sound of the Danelectro, especially with the light top/heavy bottom strings I mainly use with it, but the Epiphone seems to rock more, and I like to play it slung down lower than my other guitars, which just feels more rock, too.  Anyway, I played this evening 'til my fingers were sore, and then I played a little more.

I'd planned on recording a new song or two this month, but I'm realizing that I can't really dedicate that much time to it, not if I want to get a 50,000-word novel done before December.  That Entwistlian bassline for "I'll Live" that keeps running through my head is just going to have to wait a bit longer...  I'll settle for getting a few new songs written, and although I'm not going to run a 5K before springtime, I'm determined to run every day and gradually get my endurance and my speed up to something that'll make a good showing when I do tackle my first race.  Should help to keep those winter (and holiday!) pounds at bay, as well, and I'm starting to reintroduce some South Beach phase two recipes into my meals, after a lengthy period of not managing what I eat very well.

Also going on this month: a weekend road trip to Boston with a couple of my colleagues, and "The Day of the Doctor."  I've been a fan of "Doctor Who" since probably sometime around 1982, and this special looks to be... well, special.  I'm going to watch the simulcast at the AMC Loews Village 7 in Manhattan on November 23rd, having snagged a ticket despite Fandango's ineptitude.  Anyone else going?  Anyone wishing they were?

OK, I've written too many words already for something that isn't "The Divorce Is Final."  ;-)  I'm going to relax with a cup of hot chocolate and a scone.  Later!

The Divorce Is Final

Laura Liston and I never even actually got married... but she came over on Saturday (Sweetest Day, coincidentally) to pick up the last of her stuff and haul it away back to Pennsylvania.  I'd packed most of it up carefully ahead of time, and I helped her and her two roommates carry everything out to the car; she did thank me for making myself available (though not for the work I did), then just got in the car and drove off without so much as a goodbye or even a little wave.  :::sigh:::  The closest she got to the old Laura was when she found and picked up Preeti, but it was a fleeting moment.

So, yes, despite how much I loved her, despite all the sweet things we did for and said to each other, despite our engagement (and the ring, which she gave me back, even though I'd told her to keep it), despite her having elicited a promise from me that I wouldn't do this to her, Laura has flounced out of my life.  Presumably forever.  Tonight would've marked one month of marriage, but instead it feels like I've been through a divorce, and while I'm glad to have custody of the "kids" (furry though they are), I still can't make much sense of what's happened.  I knew, getting into this relationship, that she had some emotional baggage, but then who among us has not?  I had some myself, though I like to think that it was only a carry-on at that point.  I seem to have underestimated how heavy her baggage was, however, and as a result, I've found myself with quite a lot more to carry around now.  Please bear with me as I adjust to the weight, and build the Wall back up...

The kids still love me, at least.

I really like the Google Nexus 7 I gifted myself for my birthday.  :-D  The fact that I can tether it wirelessly to the iPhone (when there isn't open WiFi around) definitely helps, though I've got some books and some music on it that don't require Internet access.  It came in handy for showing my dad my "honey-less-moon" pictures while he was in the hospital, too.  He spent two weeks in a HealthSouth Rehabilitation Hospital after that, and is home now, but he's still not doing that well.  We've heard talk about fibromyalgia, or possibly polymyalgia, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), and anemia, but no one has really helped him with the pain, or the weight loss, or a definitive explanation and treatment plan.  It's been really frustrating, for all of us.

Hopefully, I can channel some of my depression and anger and frustration and loss into art.  In addition to working on a few new songs (lyrically, at least, for the moment, although the music is coming, too), I've decided to try NaNoWriMo again this year, in spite of the fact that I failed miserably at writing much of "They Might Be Roses," my intended novel last November.  I still intend to write that one eventually, though it'll be bittersweet now; but this year, I'm thinking that the novel's going to be titled "The Divorce Is Final."  It's not going to be about a literal divorce; it will be flavored (seasoned?) with some of my recent sorrows, but it's not going to be the story of Andy and Laura, either.  If you're interested in what it is going to be, well... stick around.

NaNoWriMo Failure

(...and yes, that's "failure" and not "fail."  I know it's trendy to use and misuse mono- and di-syllabic words these days, but I do my best to avoid that sort of thing without fail.  Snarky man is snarky.  Because snark.)  I'd fully intended to write a 50,000-word novel (at least) last month, but... things happened, and on the morning I'd intended to begin penning "They Might Be Roses," I found myself driving across Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky instead.

As you may have heard, a bit of wind and rain called Hurricane Sandy (or "Post-Tropical Cyclone Sandy" or "Superstorm Sandy") came ashore in the Garden State at the end of October, and while Laura and I only had to deal with a few hours without electricity and a day and a half without cable/Internet, the storm did end up causing our flight to Kentucky on November 1st to be cancelled. As we'd both already requested some time off for the trip, rescheduling wasn't a realistic option, and so I decided to rent a car and drive us 700 miles each way, and we left on Halloween evening instead of early Thursday afternoon.

We ended up getting there earlier than we were originally scheduled to depart from Newark Airport, but of course I was exhausted from driving all night, and I wasn't able to start writing while at the airport and on the plane like I'd planned. I never did any writing while we were in Kentucky, either, but we had a wonderful time with Laura's dad and his wife, and Laura's sister Amanda and her kids.

Amanda, Sofiah, and Silas

I thought that maybe I'd finally get going on Monday after a good night's sleep back in my own bed in Jersey... only we found ourselves going to the Bergen County Humane Society in town that day instead, and I was selected by a young tortoiseshell cat to bring her home. Three-month old "Fluff" was quickly renamed Preeti, and even more quickly became a part of our family (though her older sister Meggy, the chinchilla, doesn't like her much at all and has made it clear that she's not going to be intimidated).

It's Caturday!

Tuesday saw me going back to work... but because New Jersey Transit was still reeling from Sandy's damage, the Main Line train was still not operational, and I opted to work from home. On Wednesday, I felt out the buses, and while the commute was longer, it was doable. Unfortunately, I don't usually have the ability to take out my laptop and use it on the bus the way I do on the train... and anyway, I was stunned by a phone call from my mom telling me that there'd been a fire and she and my dad were at a neighbor's home because they weren't allowed back into theirs.

I was shaken, understandably I hope, as was my sister when I called her (to give her the news after wishing her a happy birthday). She and I met my parents at the house on Saturday and surveyed the damage, then mom and dad came home with me and spent the night with Laura, Meggy, Preeti, and me. At least they finally got a chance to sample my Big Easy shrimp (it went over well), and they would've stayed another night, but the insurance finally located a hotel for them.

I didn't get any writing done that weekend, either, although I'd been thinking that I could've gotten a few hours in (before the fire happened).  I did finally get over a thousand words written the following weekend, but the damage was already done, in my head at least.  Work was keeping me busy and stressed, I started reading Stephen King's "11/22/63" (great book, but bad idea for me to get invested in someone else's novel, and a big one at that), and then came Thanksgiving.  We visited my parents at my sister's house before heading to Laura's aunt's for the big turkey dinner.

My parents, sister, nephews, 'n me

We stayed away from the stores on Black Friday (well, other than the local Dollar Tree), and I suppose I could've done some writing that day, but instead we went to the park and fed the squirrels for a while.

Thanks for the nut!

Then came Laura's birthday, and the requisite sushi/sashimi dinner at Momoya in Bloomfield...

Sushi and sashimi

Before I knew it, the month was over.  Yes, I could have managed it, but it just would've been too hard with the lengthy delay in starting, and while I wanted to make it happen, there was too much going on in November already.  I still want to write the novel, though, and I will, but December is another crazy month, so although I'll hopefully get some writing done before the end of the year, I don't expect to finish "They Might Be Roses" before February or so at the earliest.  I intend to finish writing and recording the eponymous song as well.  There's that Web site overhaul to complete, too; I'd really like to get that done before 2013.  I think the resolution for the New Year is going to be better time management.  There's a lot I want to do: I haven't picked up a guitar in forever, I may start writing short stories again, Laura's teaching me to knit... but I have to set aside time for such things and actually use it.

Lastly, the holiday season is rapidly approaching, and while its lyrics certainly don't represent the way I feel anymore, my song "Christmas Lonely" is still a pretty good tune, or so I've been led to believe.  I'd appreciate it if you gave it a listen and maybe invited your friends to do the same.  Hey, ask your local college radio station to play it.  ;-)