I Don't Have to Go Home, but I Can't Stay Here

I picked up a guitar for the first time in a while, a very long while, this morning. And played it, yes. It felt good- nay, it felt great. While I don't know if I'm going to produce any new music anytime soon or ever (I have a few ideas, some old, some new, but little motivation or encouragement at the moment), I think just playing guitar helps me. I need to remember that, and make time to do it more often. Get those calluses back. (You'll no doubt be pleased to hear that I haven't forgotten how to play Andersen Silva's greatest hits.)

The holiday season tends to cheer me up and also depress me more, and this low has been in my sights for a while now. Sometimes this Libra does a better job of balancing the scales than others, but it's been hard lately. There's no loneliness like holiday loneliness, and it's hard to shake even when you're among other people, even when they're people you like who like you, too.

Anyway, as a belated Christmas gift to myself, I've decided I'm going to self-impose a new moratorium on social media beginning January 1st. Between Facebook's increasing shadiness (Facebook Watch? anti-competitive practices and fake news?), trolls and bots and polarized people (on both sides) on Twitter, Google Plus dying a slow and agonizing death, and too many people saying too little of import too loudly, it almost physically hurts to spend more than a few minutes on social media anymore. I'm not going to close or delete my accounts, just going to stop reading and posting, at least for a while.

When I first signed up on MySpace in 2005, and then Facebook and Twitter (and Loopt and Brightkite and Friendster and Pownce and Orkut and...) over the following few years, I was mostly interested in trying to get my music out to more of the world (speaking of which, hey, give my Christmas song "Christmas Lonely" a listen!). The Internet has in fact led to people hearing, sometimes even liking, my songs. Then, of course, I started bumping into old friends and colleagues, and meeting new ones (even in real life sometimes), through social media, and I added myself to more and more sites. But I'm realizing that somewhere along the way, I started feeling less and less connected.

I don't need to read (much less participate in) fingerpointing and flame wars about whether George H.W. Bush was a saint or a demon (wouldn't be prudent, and spoiler: he was neither) or whether Trump will end up in the history books as "the best president EVER, believe me" or in a federal penitentiary (my guess: neither, but probably closer to the latter than the former) or whether Ivanka Trump or Hillary Clinton should be "locked up!" (neither-neener-neener). The Earth isn't flat, and climate change is real. I'm not interested in what's going on with Ariana Grande Sans or Kid Rock or Chrissy Teigen or any Kardashians or Wests or Markles or Middletons or Conways. I wasn't spending hours a day scrolling through feeds and Walls anyway, but even the minutes seem too much now. Yes, I'm going to miss out on pictures of kitties and gorgeous plates of food, and birth and death and wedding and divorce announcements, and so many complaints about New Jersey Transit trains and buses, but...

But there are other ways to stay in touch and share information. As I recall, we used to be able to do that even in the days before Facebook and Twitter and instant messaging. ("Why, back in my day...") Most of the few people who actually communicate with me already know how to do that, but for the rest of you, if anyone wants my phone number or E-mail (or snail mail!) address, just ask. I'll still be postin' and scrollin' on Facebook and Twitter and Google Plus for the next month. After that, my social media goes dark... and with any luck, my real world gets a little bit brighter.

On Brazil and Christmas and the Album You Haven't Been Waiting For

Groot says, "Happy holidays!" Groot also feels that this would be an ideal time of year for you to buy my new double album, I'll Live.

Groot made me take seven photos before finally being happy with one

Christmas isn't usually the happiest time of year for me, but family and friends help me stumble my way through it. Thanks in advance. I've written two songs, "Christmas Lonely" and "The Discontent of My Winter," about feeling cold and abandoned during the holidays... and they're both available on I'll Live, which you can purchase from iTunes or Google Play or CD Baby. Yes, that was a shameless self-promotion. I may have released the album due to my own creative urges, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to sell some copies and to have other people hear it. If you're interested in a CD copy, I've got a bunch, so let me know!

I recently spent three weeks in Brazil, and I have to say I had a blast, and I'm so, so glad I got to see and spend time with family on both my mom's and my dad's sides. Despite mom breaking her foot after we'd only been there a week (true story), she was only slowed down, not stopped; of course, she ended up staying in Curitiba and not coming to Rio for two days with me as planned... but I did enough walking and eating and drinking (and getting sunburned) for the two of us. I even made it to the top of Corcovado, though visibility was poor and so was my timing; I ended up just missing my flight back to Curitiba!

I was not ready to head back to the States after twenty days. My aunts and uncle and cousins and everyone were so good to us, in Curitiba and in Ponta Grossa, and there were still so many more I didn't get to see... and more caipirinhas to drink! But I suspect it won't take another 15 years for me to go back again, and while I probably won't get to stay as long next time, I can hopefully see some places I didn't get to see this time around.

Speaking of seeing, the pictures from Brazil are all uploaded to the Gallery... of Death! and there are a lot of them! (Sorry, Facebook, but I'm just not going to post all my pics with you.) OK, I've fallen behind on actually captioning the Gallery pics... but they start with the one of the Universidade do Paraná, captioned "Curitiba, Paraná, Brasil." Take a look!

I'll Live

Time to dust off "Christmas Lonely," but I have newer and older songs to which you should listen as well. I've finally decided to call the next album I'll Live, and I've posted ten of the tracks (including that holiday song) to SoundCloud, Bandcamp, and of course ReverbNation.

A number of songs from Joy in the New will be included on the new release, though they'll all be getting a fresh mixing and mastering. A few of my already-recorded tracks are benefiting from vocal and/or instrumental tweaks; for instance, "Heavywait" finally sounds right. And then there are the new ones, such as the title track. I don't expect I'll be posting any more songs from the album until it's ready for release (I'm thinking April), but you never know.

The album was going to be called Tougher Than Flannel for years, and then I abruptly started considering I Can't Possibly Give More Than I Can Give early this year. That eventually gave way to The Unfortunate Truth (from a line in "I'll Live"), which jockeyed for position with Signifying Nothing. When I began thinking in terms of including a lot of the older material and making it a double album, I even considered using both names. In the end, though, I think I'll Live is the title it should've had all along.

This probably won't be the album art, though, just a temp

The song "I'll Live" is influenced, at least lyrically, by the Who's late bass player, John Entwistle, and the dark, sometimes macabre sense of humor he often showed in his songwriting. Songs like the Who's "My Wife" and "Trick of the Light," or his solo "I Believe in Everything," inspired me to write my own song about a guy having a string of really bad luck, for whom "I'll live" is not an affirmation but a curse.

For me, though, it feels like an exclamation of defiance. That's right, I'll live! So there! Heh-heh. I hope you will, too, and I hope you'll give my tunes a listen and give me your thoughts. Later.

Thankful

I'm thankful for my family, and the fact that my parents are still alive and together.

I'm thankful for my friends, who have gotten me through some tough and some tremendous times.

I'm thankful for my cheeky chinchilla, Meguilla, and my terrific tortie cat, Preeti, and the love, however furry, they give me.

I'm thankful for my health.  It's all too easy to take one's health for granted, but more and more I note how lucky I've been to avoid major medical issues.  Thus far.

I'm thankful for the comfortably-sized roof over my head, and the job that both allows me to afford it (and food, and heat) and provides me with challenges and opportunities.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to teach, and to learn from, my fellow humans.

I'm thankful for my artistic abilities and the outlet they provide me to vent some emotional steam, and for people who read my writing and listen to my music, like "Christmas Lonely" (OK, one little shameless plug... ;)

I'm not exactly happy these days, though I try to find a little happy here and there when I can.  I'm thankful for what I have had, and for what I have now.  I know that I could (and did) have more... but I also know that I could have so much less.

Happy Thanksgiving... and even if you're not an American, take a moment to appreciate what you've got.  As the song says, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

NaNoWriMo Failure

(...and yes, that's "failure" and not "fail."  I know it's trendy to use and misuse mono- and di-syllabic words these days, but I do my best to avoid that sort of thing without fail.  Snarky man is snarky.  Because snark.)  I'd fully intended to write a 50,000-word novel (at least) last month, but... things happened, and on the morning I'd intended to begin penning "They Might Be Roses," I found myself driving across Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky instead.

As you may have heard, a bit of wind and rain called Hurricane Sandy (or "Post-Tropical Cyclone Sandy" or "Superstorm Sandy") came ashore in the Garden State at the end of October, and while Laura and I only had to deal with a few hours without electricity and a day and a half without cable/Internet, the storm did end up causing our flight to Kentucky on November 1st to be cancelled. As we'd both already requested some time off for the trip, rescheduling wasn't a realistic option, and so I decided to rent a car and drive us 700 miles each way, and we left on Halloween evening instead of early Thursday afternoon.

We ended up getting there earlier than we were originally scheduled to depart from Newark Airport, but of course I was exhausted from driving all night, and I wasn't able to start writing while at the airport and on the plane like I'd planned. I never did any writing while we were in Kentucky, either, but we had a wonderful time with Laura's dad and his wife, and Laura's sister Amanda and her kids.

Amanda, Sofiah, and Silas

I thought that maybe I'd finally get going on Monday after a good night's sleep back in my own bed in Jersey... only we found ourselves going to the Bergen County Humane Society in town that day instead, and I was selected by a young tortoiseshell cat to bring her home. Three-month old "Fluff" was quickly renamed Preeti, and even more quickly became a part of our family (though her older sister Meggy, the chinchilla, doesn't like her much at all and has made it clear that she's not going to be intimidated).

It's Caturday!

Tuesday saw me going back to work... but because New Jersey Transit was still reeling from Sandy's damage, the Main Line train was still not operational, and I opted to work from home. On Wednesday, I felt out the buses, and while the commute was longer, it was doable. Unfortunately, I don't usually have the ability to take out my laptop and use it on the bus the way I do on the train... and anyway, I was stunned by a phone call from my mom telling me that there'd been a fire and she and my dad were at a neighbor's home because they weren't allowed back into theirs.

I was shaken, understandably I hope, as was my sister when I called her (to give her the news after wishing her a happy birthday). She and I met my parents at the house on Saturday and surveyed the damage, then mom and dad came home with me and spent the night with Laura, Meggy, Preeti, and me. At least they finally got a chance to sample my Big Easy shrimp (it went over well), and they would've stayed another night, but the insurance finally located a hotel for them.

I didn't get any writing done that weekend, either, although I'd been thinking that I could've gotten a few hours in (before the fire happened).  I did finally get over a thousand words written the following weekend, but the damage was already done, in my head at least.  Work was keeping me busy and stressed, I started reading Stephen King's "11/22/63" (great book, but bad idea for me to get invested in someone else's novel, and a big one at that), and then came Thanksgiving.  We visited my parents at my sister's house before heading to Laura's aunt's for the big turkey dinner.

My parents, sister, nephews, 'n me

We stayed away from the stores on Black Friday (well, other than the local Dollar Tree), and I suppose I could've done some writing that day, but instead we went to the park and fed the squirrels for a while.

Thanks for the nut!

Then came Laura's birthday, and the requisite sushi/sashimi dinner at Momoya in Bloomfield...

Sushi and sashimi

Before I knew it, the month was over.  Yes, I could have managed it, but it just would've been too hard with the lengthy delay in starting, and while I wanted to make it happen, there was too much going on in November already.  I still want to write the novel, though, and I will, but December is another crazy month, so although I'll hopefully get some writing done before the end of the year, I don't expect to finish "They Might Be Roses" before February or so at the earliest.  I intend to finish writing and recording the eponymous song as well.  There's that Web site overhaul to complete, too; I'd really like to get that done before 2013.  I think the resolution for the New Year is going to be better time management.  There's a lot I want to do: I haven't picked up a guitar in forever, I may start writing short stories again, Laura's teaching me to knit... but I have to set aside time for such things and actually use it.

Lastly, the holiday season is rapidly approaching, and while its lyrics certainly don't represent the way I feel anymore, my song "Christmas Lonely" is still a pretty good tune, or so I've been led to believe.  I'd appreciate it if you gave it a listen and maybe invited your friends to do the same.  Hey, ask your local college radio station to play it.  ;-)