Forget It, Brother, You Can Go It Alone!

I go it alone a lot. There are a lot of events and places where I'd rather have accompaniment, but my friends are often uninterested, unwilling, and/or unable to join me when I do ask. Some live too far, some have families, some live too far and have families... As a result, I've just gotten into the habit of going and doing what I want, when I want, instead of trying to convince or coordinate with someone else.

Of course, having a strong introvert streak and the occasional bout of social anxiety both makes it easier to do things on my own and makes it harder to interact with others when there isn't someone there to provide some social lubricant. Last month in D.C., I opted to buy a ticket to the "Can't Stop the Science" event after the March for Science, then almost talked myself out of going. I did make my way out there in the end, and found myself standing alone at a bar table for a few minutes until, as luck would have it, a social scientist happened by and asked if she could share the table. Over the next hour or so, another six people came and went at different times, and I found myself in various conversations with my newfound tablemates.

Last weekend, I went to the Parkside Lounge in NYC to take in a live science fiction comedy show, "Wild Women of Planet Wongo." It's an interactive show, and one of the aforementioned Wild Women (or Wongettes) approached me during a dance number and told me she needed a partner, and she'd teach me the dance. I was taken aback, but the Wongotini I'd consumed earlier probably eased my acquiescence, and I attempted to keep up with her during the alien dancing. After the show was over, I got a picture with Maya, the actress playing the Wongette, and we chatted for a bit; she commended me for coming to the show alone, and we remarked on how we both prefer to do things solo than to skip 'em when we can't find someone with whom to go.

Yes, I got leid, too

A few days later, I was back in Manhattan to see Tania Stavreva perform again. I usually feel a little awkward and out of place at the receptions afterwards when she has them, and this time wasn't much different. I did talk with Jon Ososki, another musician I'd met at Tania's last performance, a bit. After a few minutes of solitary standing, I noticed a woman out of the corner of my eye; she looked like she was preparing to approach me, but surely-

She did. She came up to me and smiled, said hi, asked if this had been the first time I'd seen Tania perform, which led to my explaining how I'd met the pianist through Goli, the Cambridge band I'd found accidentally one night at Caffe Vivaldi. We talked for a while, joined eventually by an indie filmmaker named Bryan (and I then found out that my temporary companion was a script supervisor named Marilyn), before she became ensnared in another conversation and I found myself... well, kinda alone again. Naturally.

I do have friends, of course, and I do see them and get out with them. Over the past month, I've seen the Revolution in concert with Rhonda and Jenn, gone to Lambertville's Shadfest with Barbara, had drinks and watched "Alien: Covenant" with Yesika, and spent a fun day in New York with Dawn. I see my parents every other weekend and celebrated my dad's birthday with them yesterday (it's today). While Greta's Unmentionables will apparently split up, we'll do so amicably, and there's still Not An Exit as an outlet for creative collaboration. And I am very much looking forward to seeing Mel, Joyce, and Sue in a month when we tackle Key West together.

But for all that, when I hear about Chris Cornell's suicide, and I'm reminded that Jeff Buckley died twenty years ago today (I'm listening to Grace right now), and I see myself doing more on my own than I do with others, I can't help but feel pretty damned alone. Sometimes.

Love is not a victory march,
  It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...

Blurry

I seem to have made an unconscious decision to make my life as much of a blur as possible lately. Maybe I want to get everything in before the impending Politipocalypse... In July, I went to three parties (despite knowing fewer and fewer people at each subsequent party), took in a few musical performances, saw "Ghostbusters" and "Star Trek Beyond" (both were very enjoyable), and trekked back out to Coney Island for some beach time. Made several batches of guacamole, too! I've got Dead Sara, the Boston Comic Con, Goli, the Prophets of Rage, and AFROPUNK lined up for August. September and October will see me attending a few more shows, including Amy Schumer the night before my birthday and Billy Joel the night after, Lindsey Stirling, Tania Stavreva, and Hinds, and hopefully a trip or two to the New York Renaissance Faire. And there'll be another trip in November...

Still working on my album in the middle of all this, of course. I'll Live is still comin' along, and I still anticipate releasing it before winter arrives.

In my last post, I'd asked if any of my musician friends and acquaintances would be interested in contributing a seven-second section of music and/or vocals to "A Blur," the song which will close the album (as opposed to "A Blurb," which will open it). I got one response. I love all of you, too. Heh. Regardless, I dig the way the music is turning out. From the pop punk of "Blond on Blonde" to the mellow jazz of "Too Loud to Be Eaten with the Naked Eye," from the surf rock (with electronic undertones) of "Down the Shore" to the holiday pop of "Christmas Lonely," from love and loss and life to politics and penguins and... giant giants, this album will run the gamut. The "Hate Theme from 'Waiting for X'" and "D.V." will finally see the light of day, and there'll be a new recording of the Aimee Mann-inspired "That's Just What I Am" and my own version of Greta's Unmentionables' "The Bite." I'm looking forward to getting this music out, and I hope you're looking forward to listening to it.

I've also been trying to drum up interest in an outing during Labor Day weekend to the Renaissance Faire. I always enjoy going, even alone, but I know some of my other friends are fans, too, and I think it'd be a lot of fun if a large group of us converged on the place and spent some time there together (and some time apart). Only one response to this so far, too... well, and also the one person I know who's at the Faire all the damn time anyway, so I know I'll see her. Heh-heh.

Some days, it gets wearying to do almost everything alone. Some days, it's hard to go to the party knowing that you're the odd man out. Some days, it'd be nice to have someone sitting opposite you at that table for two. Some days, friends seem so far away.

And you ask me how I'm doing... the unfortunate truth is that I'll live. ;-P

Juneteenth I: Life

Got a lot to say this time around, so I've separated it into three 'blog posts: life, politics, and music. This is the life edition.

I'm done with the insomnia, save the sporadic one- or two-night bout since that horrorshow ended in April; thanks, everyone who expressed support and offered suggestions. I think stress played a large role, but the truth is I haven't felt quite like me in a while now. While I've never done (or considered) yoga, or serious meditation, I'd always been able to conjure up a certain amount of zen, so that moments of anger or sorrow or what have you wouldn't overwhelm me for long... but not lately. Not for about three years now. It ebbs and flows, this self-diagnosed depression of mine, but it hasn't ebbed back as far as I'd like in quite some time. Maybe now that I've acknowledged that, I can do something about it, something that doesn't involve downing lots of Herring Wallbangers. I finally started using this Buddha Board, which I bought last year while visiting a Japanese cultural center with my cousin in Florida last year, at work:

I can paint on it with water, and as the water evaporates, my painting disappears. Not that I'm creating masterpieces, even ephemeral ones, with it, but I find it's a good way to get out my feelings or lighten my mood. I also realize that I haven't been running in far too long, and I need to start doing that again. Laura and I had both noticed that working out helped her "even out," and I'm sure it does the same for me.

Keeping busy helps keep my mind from dwelling on things too much, too, and I've certainly been doing that since my last 'blog post. I've seen Tania Stavreva perform at the Drawing Room again, got festive at Lambertville's Shad Fest, viewed "Purple Rain" on the big screen with Rhonda and her daughter Linda, went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art with Barbara for the "Manus x Machina" exhibition, watched my friends Dave and Shawn exchange their vows, took in "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" and "Captain America: Civil War" on the same day, followed by some dramatic readings of Edgar Allan Poe's works, visited historic Smithville (and the Olive Garden) with my parents for my dad's birthday, tried several times to engage with a rabbit residing near the office, and enjoyed a much-needed boozy brunch with Yesika in Gramercy, and a slightly-boozy after-work get-together (so many hyphens!) with Jenn and Vaida in Ridgewood. Yesterday, I managed to fit in laundry, the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island and a bit o' sunburn, Trenton's Art All Night (during the early evening, but still), and a Trenton Thunder baseball game, though technically I didn't get home until today. (As always, photos from my excursions through life can be viewed in the Gallery... of Death!) While I'm comfortable with doing a lot of things by myself, it's always nice to know that there are people who do want to get out and do things with me.

And of course there's more comin' up. I need to squeeze in a trip or three to the Jersey shore this summer, of course, as well as at least one trip to the New York Renaissance Faire (and there be new Vixens!). I'll be seeing Tania again in two weeks, first at Carnegie Hall (Carnegie Hall!) and the following evening back at Tenri Cultural Institute. Before that, I'm going to catch Brazilian sensation Céu at the Highline Ballroom, and hopefully two or three shows next weekend. You know what I say about blurs and blurbs... There's a Thanksgiving in July event I believe I shall attend, the Coathangers at the Bowery Ballroom, the Boston Comic Con in August (and I've already bought my ticket to get a photo with Amy Pond and Clara Oswald - yes, it'd long been established that I'm a geek)... and the Prophets of Rage. Yep, I'm going to see the supergroup of justified anger in Brooklyn on August 27th, and help make America rage again. I'm also going to see the one-time Angry Young Man himself, Billy Joel, live in concert for the first (likely only) time, the day after my birthday.

Juneteenth II: Politics